This is our conversation as I remember it. the parenthesis are comments I wanted to make or embellishments for the readers enjoyment. I do not believe this is what most officers are like. Most that I have dealt with are respectful and professional. This one was young and saying a lot of the wrong things. I still think we should respect and appreciate these officers. In his behalf, he didn't know who was in my car and whom he was approaching. It was a late dinner and after 11:00 pm.
Officer: Sir, Did you realize this was an interstate?
Me: Yes sir (My pat answer.)
Officer: That means that we have a passing lane and a riding lane.
Me: Yes sir
Officer: You were riding in the passing lane.
Me: Yes sir. (Notice the pattern, I am establishing with the officer, builds the best relationship with them.)
Officer: I was about to chase another car, but I couldn't get around you.
Me. I just came off of 1-55 from the bridge. (Though, I am not sure you just made a fat joke.)
Officer: The bridge is nearly a mile behind us, you had plenty of time to move to the riding lane and I wanted to catch that car.
Me. Yes sir. (Would that be the bridge twenty yards behind us? And where is this non existing car that you were seeing.)
Officer: Sir, where are you coming from?
Me. Supper with a friend. (Please don't say anything about him ending a sentence with a preposition, Please don't say anything about him ending a sentence with a preposition.)
Officer: How much have you had to drink?
Me: I don't drink, sir.
Officer: Laughing, Everyone drinks.
Me, Not me, not a lot of my family and I am pretty sure there are some religions that don't allow drinking. (notice the parenthesis were gone at this point. Temper was starting to show and patronizing was about to begin.)
Officer: Whatever, I need to see your license and your proof of insurance.
Me: Here you go.
Officer: That was fast.
Me: I pulled them out when you pulled me over, I felt like you would be asking for them.
Officer: Is that a guilty conscious.
Me: No, it is a kind soul, not wanting you to wait, knowing you are probably busy chasing down Jackson's criminals. (Large smile, showing teeth.)
* NOTE: the showing of teeth can be seen as friendly or aggressive, use at your digression.
Officer: Sir, do you have any weapons in your car?
Me: Two non firing revolutionary rifles, 7 western colt forty fives, also not firing, one track start up pistol, no ammo and three sturdy wooden chairs.
Officer: Are you trying to be funny?
Me: Not without pay sir. I am a theatre teacher.
Officer: Is that all the weapons you have?
Me: I have no more guns or knifes in my car.
Officer: What does that mean?
Me: That I am not carrying any more guns or knifes....
Officer: Why did you say it that way?
Me: I wasn't sure what you were considering a weapon. I have heard in self defense classes that keys can be a weapon and a pen can be a weapon...maybe that is why they say the pen is mightier than the sword....Oh yeah, I also have to fencing foils with a blunt tip in the back.
Officer: You have an answer for everything.
Me; (You have a question that isn't specific enough.)
Officer: I am about to go run your license, is there anything I need to know before I go back there?
Me: I'm a donor and O positive.
Officer: I mean is there anything that is going to turn up on this card that says you've gotten in trouble before and are still in trouble.
Me: No sir. (There was an incident in the third grade, but surely that isn't still on my permanent record.)
Officer: Sit still.
ME. (That is how it started in the third grade.)
Officer returning: Mr. McDade, your record seems clean.
Me: Seems?
Officer: Is there something I should know?
Me: I thought you were getting confirmation that it WAS clean and not seemingly clean.
Officer: Dispatch said you were okay.
Me: (Tell them I think they are alright themselves.)
Officer: I am going to let you off with a warning now, but I want you to know about the passing and driving lanes.
Me: (Thanks son, I probably saw more training films on it with bicycle safety during the 60's than you did on Sesame Street in the 90's.)
Thank you officer. You have a good night.
Officer: Remember what I said.
Me: I will. (Because I am going to write this one down.)
